当古怪艺术商遇上纳粹黄金：一场荒诞的寻宝之旅
查理·莫迪凯勋爵（约翰尼·德普饰）是个留着夸张卷须的古怪艺术商。香港赌场里，他正与黑帮头目方老板交易珍贵花瓶，却被对方翻旧账——上次交易中莫迪凯将价值百万的画作抬价至三百万。方老板狞笑着要剁他一根手指，幸亏保镖乔克（保罗·贝坦尼饰）及时出手，枪林弹雨中两人仓皇逃命。
回到伦敦豪宅，莫迪凯与妻子乔安娜（格温妮丝·帕特洛饰）正面临破产危机。那撮令乔安娜作呕的小胡子成了夫妻趣事——每次亲吻都会引发连锁干呕（莫迪凯竟有共情呕吐反射）。镜头一转，美术馆女修复师布伦温背后中箭身亡，戈雅名画《裸体玛哈》在连环劫案中消失无踪。
暗恋乔安娜多年的警探马特兰（伊万·麦克格雷格饰）找上门来。大学时代撞见两人亲热的旧恨未消，如今却不得不委托莫迪凯追查画作。嫌疑人指向国际罪犯埃米尔，而美国收藏家克拉姆普夫（杰夫·高布伦饰）开出天价收购承诺。交易条件是：找回画作可获10%分成。
调查线索将莫迪凯引向地下艺术贩子斯宾诺莎的车库。仇人相见分外眼红——原来这位也曾被莫迪凯坑过百万英镑。埃米尔突然杀到，子弹横飞中斯宾诺莎命丧黄泉，莫迪凯与乔克驾车逃窜时，竟不知真品就藏在后备箱。
乔安娜的独立调查揭开惊人内幕：二战老兵"公爵"透露画作背面暗藏纳粹黄金坐标。与此同时，莫迪凯被俄罗斯黑帮绑架，电流刑具逼近胯下之际，他抱着打手破窗而出——这场跳楼戏堪称全片最癫狂的逃生场景。
洛杉矶拍卖会上，克拉姆普夫与性瘾女儿乔治娜（奥利维亚·穆恩饰）设下圈套。当莫迪凯的咸猪手搭上乔治娜胸部时，携马特兰突然现身的乔安娜眼神如刀。高潮迭起的追逐战中，埃米尔与乔治娜竟是同谋，他们用喷枪解密画作时意外引爆整座汽车旅馆——烈焰吞没了价值连城的赝品。
最终真相令人捧腹：真迹一直藏在公爵的浴室（当初暧昧的邀约竟是暗示）。拍卖会混战中，莫迪凯为救乔克挥棍痛殴黑帮，乔安娜防狼喷雾直取埃米尔双眼。当俄罗斯寡头重金拍下错误仿品时，镜头定格在莫迪凯为爱剃须的剪刀上——当然，那撮命运多舛的小胡子最后还是留了下来。
在这场充斥着荒诞幽默的冒险中，真正珍贵的不是纳粹黄金，而是莫迪凯夫妇笑中带泪的深情。当乔安娜最终接受那撮引发无数干呕的小胡子时，我们看到的是一对灵魂伴侣最真实的模样。
---英文版：When Eccentric Art Dealers Meet Nazi Gold: An Absurd Treasure Hunt
Lord Charlie Mortdecai (Johnny Depp), an art dealer with flamboyant curled mustache, finds himself in a Hong Kong casino negotiating with gangster Fang over a rare vase. The deal turns sour when Fang demands a finger as repayment for a previous overpriced transaction. Mortdecai's hulking bodyguard Jock (Paul Bettany) leaps into action, triggering a chaotic shootout that sends the duo fleeing through neon-lit streets.
Back in their London mansion, Mortdecai and his wife Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow) face financial ruin. The mustache that triggers Johanna's gag reflex becomes a running gag—their kisses often end in synchronized retching (thanks to Mortdecai's sympathetic vomiting response). Meanwhile, art restorer Bronwen collapses with an arrow in her back, setting off a chain reaction of thefts surrounding Goya's infamous "Naked Maja" painting.
Inspector Alistair Martland (Ewan McGregor), Johanna's college flame who once caught the couple in flagrante, reluctantly recruits Mortdecai to recover the masterpiece. Their prime suspect? International criminal Emil Strago. The carrot? A 10% cut from American collector Milton Krampf's astronomical offer.
The investigation leads Mortdecai to a garage run by Spinoza (Paul Whitehouse), another victim of the art dealer's shady practices. Their heated argument is interrupted by Emil's bullets—one of which accidentally reveals the painting's hiding place in a car trunk. Unbeknownst to them, Johanna uncovers the canvas's explosive secret from war veteran "The Duke": cryptic coordinates to hidden Nazi gold.
Kidnapped by Russian oligarch Romanov's thugs, Mortdecai endures electrocution threats to his nether regions before executing a daredevil escape—plunging through a window with an attacker in a scene worthy of silent film comedies. The madness culminates in Los Angeles, where nymphomaniac heiress Georgina (Olivia Munn) proves to be Emil's lover and co-conspirator. Their attempt to decode the painting with a blowtorch literally blows up in their faces, reducing a priceless fake to ashes.
The final twist delivers poetic justice: The authentic masterpiece had been hanging in The Duke's bathroom all along (his earlier proposition to Johanna wasn't what she assumed). At the chaotic auction climax, Johanna disarms Emil with pepper spray while Mortdecai saves Jock from finger amputation. When Romanov pays millions for the wrong replica, the camera lingers on Mortdecai's razor—though that cursed mustache ultimately survives Johanna's change of heart.
Beyond the slapstick and stolen art, the real treasure is Mortdecai and Johanna's gloriously imperfect marriage. Her final acceptance of that vomit-inducing mustache becomes the ultimate testament to love's enduring absurdity.